During your custody case, a judge will issue a visitation schedule that identifies each parent’s time with the children. It should also address transportation between the parents.
A good visitation schedule will define when and where child exchanges will take place and whether one or both parents are responsible for travel costs. You should plan for your current circumstances, but leave the schedule broad enough that you won’t have to go back to court if you or your ex go through life changes, like a new job or marriage.
A big development, like a new spouse can sour even the best co-parenting relationship. But if you plan ahead, these events shouldn't create major transportation problems—a detailed visitation order should cover the “what ifs” and save you from another trip to court.
On the other hand, it's not always possible to plan for something major, like one parent moving out of state. Without knowing in advance where that parent will end up living and what sort of visitation time that parent might have, it would be impossible to create a detailed plan in advance.
To make unexpected situations less adversarial, you can include a mediation provision in your plan, which would require both parents to see a mediator to help them resolve issues, rather than going to court.
Some elements commonly contained in a transportation schedule include:
Pick-up and Drop-off location. Most visitation exchanges happen curbside, meaning right in front of either parent’s residence. For parents with poor relationships, a visitation order may require pick-ups and drop-offs to take place at a park, the child’s school, fast food restaurant, or gas station.
Travel safety. Many parents worry that the other parent will ignore basic traffic rules or precautions. Your order can specify that a child must use a seat belt, appropriate car seat, or a booster seat when traveling with either parent.
Timing. Each parent’s commitment to punctuality goes a long way in keeping child exchanges pleasant. No one wants to sit around waiting for someone to show up. Your visitation order should say what time a parent should pick up the child and what time the child will be returned. Parents can reach their own agreements to change pick-up or drop-off times when things come up, but it’s still helpful to have a working schedule. Your order can also allow for a maximum wait period. For example, a transportation order can require a parent to wait 20 minutes for the other parent to show up, and visitation is forfeited if the tardy parent doesn’t arrive that time frame. This prevents a punctual parent from waiting around for a chronically late parent.
Out of town visits or out-of-state transportation. When parents live far away from each other, it’s even more important to specify who’s responsible for transportation costs and logistics. Generally, the parent exercising visitation pays for transportation costs, but parents can also agree to split these costs in half (or some other percentage). Your order should also address whether children can travel alone at a certain age and whether they should travel by plane, train, or car to visit an out-of-state parent.
It's important to include a plan for getting your child from one parent to the other. Parents who haven’t mapped out transportation logistics are opening themselves up to unnecessary conflict. Without a detailed transportation plan as part of your child custody order, you may end up negotiating with your ex about the location for every pick up and drop off your child.
Finally, with a detailed transportation plan, you have recourse if your ex isn’t following its terms. If you and your child’s other parent reach an agreement without a court order, you can’t ask a judge to force the other parent to comply. By contrast, both parents must follow a court order, including the details of transportation times and locations. A difficult parent who regularly shows up hours late to visitation or who doesn’t bring the child back on time can be held in contempt of court.
If you and your ex can work out transportation logistics in advance, it will go a long way to decreasing everyone's stress levels during these difficult transition times.
Despite the impact on your kids, you can’t force your child's other parent to take advantage of visitation. A judge’s order only provides the noncustodial parent with the opportunity to see the children.
A parent who avoids visitation while the divorce is pending may end up losing some custody rights under the final divorce decree. A judge will consider each parent’s willingness to allow visitation, as well as each parent’s failure to see the children.
If the other parent isn’t visiting, it won’t affect your rights, but it may help if you’re seeking sole custody. You're only obligated to make your child available—you don’t need to force missed visitation by taking your children to your ex's home or reminding your ex about visits. Ultimately, it's up to each parent to take advantage of these opportunities.
It's important to note that most states calculate child support based on both parents' incomes and the amount of time each parent spends with the children. So, if your ex has simply stopped visiting or rarely shows up, you may need to recalculate child support based on the actual time your ex spouse spends with the children.
For example, if your child's other parent is supposed to have 10 days per month, but only shows up twice a month, you should talk to your attorney about running the child support numbers based on the actual amount of visitation time.
You’re in a difficult position as a parent if your child refuses to see your ex. It’s important for both parents to maintain a unified front. You need to make sure your child knows that avoiding the other parent isn't an option.
One exception is if you suspect child abuse. You should never knowingly put your child in an abusive situation. If you believe the other parent may be harming your child, you should contact local police and an attorney who can help you file for an emergency protective order, supervised visits, and/or a change in custody.
In most situations children don’t get to decide whether or not they see their other parent. The parents, not the children, control when and how visits take place. A judge may sanction (punish) a parent who allows a child to control visitation. As a parent, you need to make sure that you stay in charge of the situation.
You should keep accurate records detailing when the other parent misses visits. Your record can be a collection of text messages, emails, a journal, and/or calendar. However you keep your record, make sure that you have it available for a mediation or divorce trial. Proof that your spouse regularly fails to show up will help you gain an advantage in a custody case.
It's important to show a judge that you are allowing visits, but your spouse simply isn't taking them. There’s an important distinction between a parent preventing visits and a disinterested ex, who doesn't show up as agreed.
You should also document any missed visits because of a child’s refusal to attend. You’ll want to show what efforts you made to encourage visitation and that you made the child available. When making custody decisions, judges will consider each parent’s willingness to foster a relationship between the child and other parent.
